It’s Friday, y’all. Does it seem to any one else that this week has crawled by? This year is flying by, but not this week! Good gravy!!
**Small disclaimer before I start this post. Today, I’m going to talk about a serious subject, depression. I’m not a doctor, psychiatrist, or therapist, nor do I play one on TV. Therefore, you don’t have to listen to me, or even read this post (but I wish you would).
Here are a few important numbers to remember:
The Boys Town National Hotline: 1-800-448-3000
Focus On The Family: 1-800-232-6459
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
These are just my experiences and opinions. Okay then, here goes.
Remember when you were a kid, and you would come home all excited about something. Be it a part in the school play, or a game of soccer that your team had just won. And instead of the person you told that news to being excited with you, they just rolled their eyes and walked away. Depression is like that. Ever been swimming and had the water pull you under, and felt like you couldn’t get your head above water to breathe? Depression is like that. Ever had a kid yell out “I hate you” when they were super ticked at you? Yeah, depression is like that too. And so much more.
My first run in with depression, that I remember clearly was when I was 15. I felt totally unwanted and worthless. I remember standing in my Mom’s kitchen by myself, holding a knife, thinking about taking my own life. And then feeling entirely disgusted with myself because I was too scared to go through with it.
As an adult now, I look back on that time, and honestly it scares me. I think of all that I would have missed if I had hurt myself. Like meeting my nieces and nephews, or watching my little brother grow up, or have the friends I have now. But depression constantly tries to make me forget the good stuff. It only whispers the bad things that could happen. It highlights your deepest insecurities. It only sees the worst. Depression to me, is not a bad day, a sad moment, or grief. It’s a living, breathing liar.
There are good days and bad days. Yesterday was not a good day. I felt angry and heartbroken, and had no real reason to feel that way. I watched some funny clips on Youtube, and felt better. But then guilt settles in because what right do I have to be happy when things are so sucky in this world? I have friends going through major things, health problems, legal battles, and I’m going to feel happy because I watched a cute video? Yeah, depression whispers that lie to me too.
Many people think depression isn’t something to be talked about. I mean I’m a Christian, I should be able to handle this, or pray it away, right? If we read the Bible, we’ll find that no one was ever depressed in it. Haha, totally kidding! Because there was Elijah, Moses, Job, Jonah, King Saul, and my personal hero King David, that in my opinion, all suffered from a form depression at one time or another. Ahem, the following is one example of King David, which makes me think he wasn’t all rainbows and butterflies all of the time:
“The cuts in my flesh stink and grow maggots because I’ve lived so badly. And now I’m flat on my face, feeling sorry for myself morning to night. All my insides are on fire, my body is a wreck. I’m on my last legs; I’ve had it—my life is a vomit of groans. Lord, my longings are sitting in plain sight, my groans an old story to you. My heart’s about to break; I’m a burned-out case. Cataracts blind me to God and good; old friends avoid me like the plague. My cousins never visit, my neighbors stab me in the back. My competitors blacken my name, devoutly they pray for my ruin.
But I’m deaf and mute to it all, ears shut, mouth shut. I don’t hear a word they say, don’t speak a word in response. What I do, God, is wait for you, wait for my Lord, my God—you will answer! I wait and pray so they won’t laugh me off, won’t smugly strut off when I stumble. I’m on the edge of losing it— the pain in my gut keeps burning. I’m ready to tell my story of failure, I’m no longer smug in my sin. My enemies are alive and in action a lynch mob after my neck. I give out good and get back evil from God-haters who can’t stand a God-lover.” Psalms 38:5-20
“Is anyone crying for help? God is listening, ready to rescue you. If your heart is broken, you’ll find God right there; if you’re kicked in the gut, He’ll help you catch your breath. Disciples so often get into trouble, still, God is there every time.” Psalms 34:17-19
There are days when I feel like I can’t deal with getting up, and facing the day. There are days when I don’t feel like I can handle people, even talking to them. There are days when I want to crumple on the the floor and just cry. There are days when I’m pissed off at the world. There are even still days when I think I could go ahead and take myself out, and no one would care.
But I know I have a family that loves me. I know I have friends I can call. I know I have a God that I can call out to. I know that I might not ever overcome this, or I might have more bad days than good ones, but I know that in the end, I will be okay.
As I conclude this post, please, please, please know if you are feeling depressed, there are people you can reach out to. Trust me, your family would rather hear from you on this, than plan a funeral, or waiting it out in hospital.
If you feel like you can’t talk to a friend or family member, here, once again are the numbers for:
Boystown National Hotline: 1-800-448-3000.
Focus On The Family: 1-800-232-6459.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255.
You are very important my friend, and you’re here for a reason. I hope you know that.
Well, I’ll see you on the flip side,